If you're gonna be a fool...

Up listenin to Cee Lo and Melanie Fiona's 'Fool For You'....that shit goes so hard. It's an ode to real R&B, for real. It's also an ode to that kind of love that creeps up on you and then refuses to leave. Even once it seems like maybe the relationship has run its course, the LOVE just wont fall back.

What do you do?

Do u wave a white flag and surrender to the feelings? Some people are just magnets towards one another. How do you stop that chemical connection? Maybe you cant. Maybe the more you try...the deeper you fall...even if you know it's not safe to do so.

All i can say is If you're gonna be a fool, make sure the person is worth it in one way or another and enjoy the ride.

Forgiveness is essential.

Up early. Thinkin about this and that. Im having a bit of a hard time lately dealing with myself on forgiveness. I feel like I have a way to go to pass the test on how to forgive and let go. I dont have a problem forgiving others. I can actually do that quite well. But it's forgiving MYSELF that seems to be the tricky thing to do these days. I thought I had already done so. Smh. Not quite. Anytime i can think about a certain situation in particular and start crying instantly....yeah. Im still mad at myself.

sigh

Forgiveness is essential for ANY and EVERY relationship. If u cant do it, just be content living life alone. Forgiveness of self is the most important because you really dont have a choice whether or not to deal with you.

Im tryin....

Dont start no shit, wont be no shit

Dear Chanel

This isnt really a relationship problem i'm having. More like, i'm trying to get myself out of a situation so I wont have ANYthing to do with this person anymore. I started talking to this guy about a month ago. He's not a celebrity but he has close friends who are celebs in the music industry, so he kinda stunts off of there status. We met at a club event and i found him very attractive so i chatted him up. From the event, we went back to a hotel for a hotel party, and i stayed the night with him. Nothing happened at night but in the morning i woke up to him tryin to fuck me. I told him i wasnt about it and he needed to try again with the next chick. He didnt sweat it and passed back out. A few days later he hit me up again and wanted to take me out to dinner. I agreed. We ate, drank and went back to his place. Once again, he tried me, and once again i told him it wasnt happening. A few days after that he took me shopping and to breakfast and basically asked me to be with him. I hav NO clue where this came from!!! I told him all im interested in is frendship and maybe dating, but right now, i dnt want a relationship or casual sex. Since then, i havent seen him cuz i dnt want him getting the wrong idea. But he keeps calling and texting me. How do i deal with this?


OKAY. Welp. First let me start off with .... o_O

"I have no clue where this came from!!!"

Really?! Naw. That can't be the truth. Let's see. You met this man at the club. You went to his "hotel party"....and stayed over night...in his bed. You let him wine and dine you. And you don't know why he's tryin to get with you? Okay. *sigh* I may not be speaking on the most popular stance here, but did i start giving a hell about that and missed the memo? No? Alright. So then i'll just say it, your mouth may be tellin him NO SIR, u wont be gettin none of these goodies. But your actions are begging to differ. Now, allow me to state that I do not believe that just because a woman says yes to a date, that means the man should expect (or deserve) any type of payback by means of sexual activity. A date is a date dammit, not an invitation to sweat my sheets out. But i do believe that when you START shit...you better know what you're doin and how to finish it. What was the purpose of leaving the club event with this man if you wanted nothing to do with him outside of friendship and an occasional date? Why did you agree to sleep in his bed!? You dont know this man from a can of paint, ma'am. Obviously he was feeling you from jump, and not for any of your intellect status. (Not sayin you're not smart, i'm just sayin it takes significantly less than a brain to get an invite back to the telly *ass & tittites*) Unless you're tellin me that you make it regular practice to become so um..well acquainted and share such personal space with everyone you meet...then you knew what was up long before he tried to put it on you.

Stop playin games. Point blank period. If you dont want to have to get yourself out of these situations, dont get yourself into it. If you already let him know that you want nothing from him, then cut it off from there. Dont let him take you out on anymore "dates", dont answer the phone and dont manage to bump into him again and end up back in his bed. I can almost guarantee you that he wont be so willing to let you play the tease game but for so long...stop it.

She wants you to do WHAT??!

So i got two more emails requesting advice! *go me!* I'm gonna tackle the oddest one first. I hope and pray I don't offend anyone but I probably will so...ehh.

Dear Chanel

Whats up girl? Alright, I got one for you. I have a man. We've been together since high school, 2002. No we arent married cuz I dont even wanna fuck things up like that. Why fix what's not broken, right?? Anyway, so my twin sister is single and really wants to have a baby. Her and my man do what they do every so often. I have no problems with it. But now that shes talkin having babies, i'm a little afraid that she will want me to be okay with him being her babies father. I'm not okay with that. I want to be his one and only woman he makes babies with. What do you think I should tell her?

*massive side eye* and a loud chorus of *crickets*

o_0


Okay. Let me repeat this to make sure my level of confusion is valid. You have a man who you have been with for almost ten years. (check) You don't wanna get married cuz you don't wanna fix what's not broken (hesitant check) BUT YOUR SISTER IS BANGING YOUR MAN AND YOU DONT CONSIDER THAT BROKEN!? Pause. Alright. I'm not gonna judge. I'm just gonna continue down my line of questioning and then proceed with my advice.

Okay...so you, honest to little baby Jesus, have absolutely NO problems with your sister having sex with your boyfriend? None at all? If so, then okay, let me wrap my mind around that concept and see what good i can be here. Umm...

Hmm...

Well. The only thing I can suggest is- wait... why are you and your sister sharing men?? Why cant she go find someone else?! Im sorry but the thought of having something dipped into me that has been coated in sister juice is uggggh *gag* im so so sorry. I know this is supposed to be a judgment free zone. *sigh* Allow me to collect my senses. Alright. Girl, let me just say that YOU are better than ME. Mm hmm. Okay, now the only thing I can suggest is being straightforward with your sister. Does, your boyfriend wanna do it? If so, then you might be fighting an uphill battle because if they are both in on it AND are having sex...ummm its probably gonna happen whether or not you are in for the ride. But if the luckiest man alive boyfriend is NOT okay with it, then maybe both of you should make that known to your sister and make SURE she gets no more ideas about it. That's really the best I have to offer right now. Talk to her to see what she's thinking. Talk to your man to see if yall are on the same page. Then set some boundaries. Otherwise...this will become the thing Jerry Springer shows were made of. [it actually already is] GOOD LUCK!

Dear Abbey has been fired.

And im moving in. woooooo! So I got an email today from someone who has been reading my other blog for yrs and just now wandered over to my new spot here [which i've been neglecting like an evil stepchild]. In that email, I was asked for some pretty specific advice and I was given permission to blog it out as long as i kept all identities hidden. I feel all special and shit! :) Here goes my attempt at relationship counseling. Lord help.


Dear Chanel,

I have a problem that i'm kinda embarrassed to ask for help on because i've never felt like this before. I'm a lesbian. [this isnt the problem, i'm jus sayin.] I came out in highschool when I was 16 and havent looked back since. I'm now 25 yrs old and have never slept with a man. Never even had the desire to. Until now. Im having dreams about it.When i see a cute guy walk by I often think about what sex would be like with him. Im fantasizing about it and it's just all bad. I guess I should probably tell you that i'm in a relationship with my girlfriend and we've been together since 2008. I havent spoke to her about this at all because im pretty sure she'd leave me. I would just sweep this away but i literally cant even look at an attractive man without getting all kinds of turned on. WTF????!!! please please suggest something good.

-tarnished gold star lesbian


Dear Tarnished Gold Star Lesbian,

First off, cool pts for the creative name. Although you arent "tarnished" yet so...stop it. Let me assure you that you are not the first lesbian to deal with this and you will not be the last. Even those who swear UP and all the way down that they would never ever sleep with a man, have at least thought about "what if". So that's not a problem. It's natural to be curious about anything you've never had. The problem arises when that curiosity turns into a desire, which turns into an action that could potentially hurt someone. Sleeping with a man will not necessarily hurt YOU, but obviously it would hurt your gf.

I suggest truly figuring out what you want to do. If this attraction to men is becoming overwhelming to the point where you really want to experiment, you need to be prepared to be honest with your partner. Lying and cheating will only make u feel worse. Yeah, she'll probably look at you like you've lost your mind, but if she cares about you...she will listen to you and discuss what's going on. Maybe you just need to talk about it but wont ever really take it there. Often the secrecy surrounding a situation actually makes it more appealing. If you put it out there and talk it out with your girl, or with close friends, you may find that it's not even as big of a problem for you that you're thinking it is.

Now personally, i'm an advocate of trying both sides so you will know without a doubt what you want. I'm a proud tarnished star and even happier of the fact that i've been there done that, so there's nothing to be curious about, u know? Maybe you might end up needing to try it. Nothing wrong with it as long as u go about it the right (honest) way. If you find out its SO not for you, good job. If u enjoy it, maybe you're bi, and that's great that u finally know yourself. Do some soul-searching, talk it out, do more soul searching, make a decision and then let it ride.

Hope i helped!

-Chanel

Ask and you'll find, settle and you'll suffer

When you make the decision to settle for less, understand that you get exactly what you deserve; LESS.


Short, simple and not so sweet.